Books are a joke

I found this bar in Albuquerque.

Verdict: 2/10

This Shirt

Verdict: 5/10

Divine Intervention

Tom Brady is out for the season.

Verdict: 9/10*

*Heretofore, a white verdict denotes the proximity to weeping tears of joy.

I feel like David Hyde Pierce

The door to the locker room at the gym is always sticky.

Always.

Verdict: 1/10

The Grave Mistake of Scale

My partner is 1,000 miles closer to me than usual and she's still 2,000 miles away.

Verdict: 2/10

The Ongoing Class Struggle

This is a sensitive issue and always has been for me, but my skepticism towards rich people came up again and I felt it was appropriate to bring it up in this context.

Here's the thing, rich people: I don't claim to know what it's like to have a lot of money. I probably never will. Hopefully at one point I will know what it's like to be comfortable, but for now all I know is what it's like to be poor and have mounds of debt.

See, all I ask from you is that you admit that you have no concept of what it means to be poor. I need clarity from you that there is an experience separate from your own which may, in fact, exist outside your realm of comprehension. I don't ask you to recognize that this other experience is more miserable than your own. I don't ask you to recognize the hardships inherent in it. I just need you to admit you have no fucking clue what being poor is all about.

Because when you refuse to admit that, I will yell at you. A lot.

Verdict: 5/10

Postcolonial Horseshit

"No one wants to read theory."

-Fellow graduate English student.

Verdict: 8/10

The Death of a Dream

After seeing a national newspaper with the headline, "Waiting for Gustav" (in relation to the Hurricane approaching New Orleans) I thought, "how awesome that a national paper would pun off of Waiting for Godot."

It took me a few minutes to realize that most people would probably think it referred to Waiting for Guffman.

Verdict: 4/10

Freshman Perspective

"So it's just that when I cry, it's only an inconvenience to you."

-Overheard in the campus gym.

Verdict: Severely Fucking Pissed Off/10

Down By Law

My dog is still imprisoned and I can't do anything to get her out.

Verdict: 7/10

Mourning Fantasmatic Losses

I really wish I could read Bargoyles.

Verdict: 2/10

Lawn Bowling in the Catskills

After waking up from 12 consecutive hours of sleep, my only thought was that an entire 1/2 day of my life had been thrown away.

Verdict: 4/10

Meaningless Glance

I misread a book title as "Bargoyle" (it's really Gargoyle) and for a
fleeting second believed someone wrote a book about a bar-hopping
night-monster.

Verdict: 4/10

Franz Bread Card #27

Kevin Duckworth, R.I.P.

Verdict: 2/10

Nine (11)

The dick who made Memoirs of a Geisha is making a MUSICAL SEQUEL to
Fellini's 8 1/2. On the bright side, we will all finally see if people
really do turn over in their grave. My partner and I will be filming
Fellini's grave from now until the film's release on DVD and Blue Ray.

Verdict: 8.5/10

Ineluctable Modality

A message left by a friend on a dead man's MySpace page:

"Yo bro where you been how come
you don't respond to my message
later."

Verdict: 2/10

I Miss Most the Things that Never Were

At a local pizza place there is an obviously forged Charlie Chaplin signed photograph that reads, "Vinnie's, Best of Luck, Yours, Charles Chaplin."

Verdict: 6/10

You Know You're Right

My best friend thinks I'm crazy for finding the above picture attractive.

Verdict: 3/10

WTF is wrong with everybody?

I get bitched at by a customer because I haven't read "Infinite Jest". Exact interaction below:

Boring customer: Have you ever read this?
Me: Oh, no I haven't.
Boring customer: You don't read much, do you?
Me: I just haven't read "Infinite Jest".

Verdict: 3/10

My best friend thinks Nick Cage was hot

My best friend moves to NYC and gets a ton of crazy ideas in his head.

Verdict: 2/10

Imprisonment

While visiting my dog--who I am forced to kennel for the moment--she (my dog) scratched my arm so hard it bled.

Verdict: 2/10

Nick Cage's Face in Moonstruck

I watched the movie in Central Park. Nick Cage was really hot at one point. Like, really hot.

I guess everyone dies.

Verdict: 6/10

Paul Newman is dying

What if he's the last husband to love his wife?

Verdict: 4/10

Children on the Subway

Upon seeing a child's face on the subway, I could immediately predict what he would look like as an old man

Verdict: 1/10

Visions on the Street

Walking to work I saw an advertisement for 8 1/2 " in the window of a gay porn shop.

Verdict: 7/10

A Dream of my Dog on a Balloon

I had a dream that my dog chased after and caught a helium balloon. She began to lift off the ground as I chased after her. No matter how fast I ran, she grew further and further away from me. I stopped running when I realized that I would never be able to catch her when she fell. I never even found her body.

Verdict: 4/10